I have been floundering for the past few months. The flounder is a flatfish that swims low and lives off scraps - I think the description is largely accurate. This winter has seen me ride low in frozen rivers waiting for spring.
Today I am beginning to think that spring might actually arrive.
Amid the floundering I did actually make some changes in my life for the better - quit smoking after many years, enrolled in school since I no longer see myself pursuing music as a career the way I could when I was younger, improved my diet and overall health. I was struggling to make good things happen during a painful time - and succeeding with them - but the sadness that I sought to counteract has not left me.
I have lived here for 2 years. It is a place which holds no interest for me. I moved here to help my aging parents, and in so doing, decided to put their interests before my own happiness. There's certainly some kind of "happiness" that I have gained from the feeling of doing the right thing for them - but in that time I also fell in love with a woman thousands of miles away, and wanted nothing more in the world than to be able to go to her.
I could not, and all signs indicate that I have lost her.
so...
spring...
I am afraid to get my hopes up too high, but it is beginning to look like I will be able to leave here in the near future. I need to go west.
